I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize