I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
