There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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