so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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