he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
