apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
