sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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