I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
