Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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