You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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