Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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