I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
