Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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