you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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