The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
