Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
