He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
