The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
