apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize