omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
