Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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