Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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