Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I pour the whiskey from now on
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
