woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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