New invention idea: vibrating tampons
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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