So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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