So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
