btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just had sex on a roof
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The Olympian is in my bed
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
