Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
