FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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