I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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