Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
