I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
