She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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