There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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