i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize