I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
