Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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