i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
