i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
