I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
