hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
