hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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