nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
