the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize