My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Acid is not a monday night drug
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
