david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
