dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
