.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
