I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
