I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
