So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My dick has a subreddit
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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