Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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