I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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