Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
