Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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