worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I came so hard my ears popped.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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