He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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