i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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