I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
